[Energy Shot Review] Love Energy Potion

Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.

Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, though my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.

However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.

The other two options are ones I’m not so fond of, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of haggling with a shady drug dealer.

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[Food Review] Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

Squid Jerky

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think itsounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

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[Food Review] Burger King’s Ciabatta Breakfast Club

How long has Burger King had breakfast?

As long as I can consciously remember. I’m sure if I dug deep enough into my suppressed memory I would be able to find a time that the King didn’t offer as much saturated fat as Roseanne Barr’s left thigh in the morning hours, but doing so is dangerous. Who knows what else I might find while digging through the purposefully forgotten banks of my memories? Forgotten stories of Uncle Chuck’s “games”? Concealed memories of my infant brother Todd, whom in a fit of jealous range I suffocated and ate, only to have my parents convince me it was just a dream so I could grow up and continue to function?

Nah, none of that stuff ever happened to me. But I feel bad for the sorry sonofabitch who just remembered losing his virginity to the football team when he was only seven years old.

Review:

Wait what was my point? Oh yeah! Have you seen those awful new commercials of BK promoting their “New” breakfast menu? If not, good for you. I don’t understand it. BK has had breakfast for a really long time, why are they promoting it like it’s something wholly new just because they added like five new items and switched their coffee brand?

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[Music Review] Fang Island “Major”

Fang Island MajorI first stumbled across feel good anthem band Fang Island in 2010 shortly following the release of their self-titled album, and they quickly climbed to the top of my most listened to bands. Their overly awesome riff-heavy, guitar-driven sound — accompanied by an overall lightheartedness — was just something that clicked with me. Two years later and they’re still one of my favorite bands for summertime drives, with the windows down and no destination in mind.

Their follow-up, Major, is an equally awesome collection of rambunctiousness that I was highly anticipating. After a few days of nearly constant listening, I’ve found that my eagerness for Major — which has its flaws — was certainly warranted. Continue reading

[Book Review] “Dead City” by Joe McKinney

Dead City by Joe McKinneyDead City opens with odd reports of survivors attacking rescue workers after five powerful hurricanes have pounded the Gulf of Mexico and left the surrounding cities absolutely devastated. Just out of reach of harm’s way, San Antonio, Texas has become a popular safe zone for emergency shelters and evacuees from the destroyed cities. This is where our story begins. Following local police officer Eddie Hudson, Dead City wastes very little time establishing anything aside from a very basic setting and quick introduction of the main character (just enough to let you know that he’s a cop with a wife and new baby son), and instead throws readers into the opening scenes of the zombie apocalypse right away.

Early on in the book I was very unsure of how much I would enjoy it because of how quickly the author puts everything into motion. I don’t mean that it happens too early in the book, but he chose for the first event to pop up suddenly, but had the destruction spread too quickly to be considered logical.

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[Game Review] Kid Icarus: Uprising (Nintendo 3DS)

Kid Icarus UprisingFor years now, rumors have been running rampant about a radical revival for one of Nintendo’s forgotten franchises. Most of it stemming from the hopeful wishing and constant speculation of a select few big time video game journalists, the rumor mill was almost constantly buzzing with talk of Kid Icarus making a comeback every time the Big N announced it would be revealing any kind of news.

The reason for this is very unclear to me, because I’ve always felt that both the original Kid Icarus for NES sucked pretty hard. Frustrating controls and garbage gameplay mechanics really irritated me every single time I tried to play it. Maybe it was just the fact that I sucked really bad at it, but for whatever reason I just hated the original. So why would anyone want the franchise to make a return?

Luckily, when it was finally confirmed and shown off for the first time, the painfully boring vertical tower climbing gameplay mechanics of the past looked to be completely thrown away in favor of radical aerial combat and action-heavy ground battle segments. For the first time in my life, I was excited for Kid Icarus. And now that the finished game is finally available for the Nintendo 3DS, I am happy to say that it doesn’t disappoint.

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[Energy Drink Review] Whoopass Energy Supplement

Whoopass Energy DrinkHere’s a portion of Kat Leonard’s review posted on our sister site Caffeine Critic:

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Food Review] Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

Here’s a portion from a review posted on our sister site, Does it Hit the Spot?:

Taco Bell has done it many times before. If the powers that be can’t think of an entirely new product that uses the same handful of readily available ingredients and give a ridiculous made up name, like Tortada, then they’ll settle for the next best thing: take an old favorite, and make it bigger.

But how do they do it? How do they take something small, and make it big? Well, for any fan of great American Cinema, the answer is quite simple. In the critically acclaimed 1997 classic film Good Burger, the demented manager of Mondo Burger uses an illegal chemical known as Triampathol to super size his meat patties. Now, the director chose never to reveal exactly why Triampathol was made illegal, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

The point is, Taco Bell is obviously doing something to our food to make it bigger. All we need now is a few local psued0-Mex restaurant employees dedicated enough to breach the chain’s security and discover their secret and embark on a ridiculously epic quest to put their hole-in-the-wall back on top.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

[Energy Review] Revive Energy Mints

Here’s a portion of a review on Caffeine Critic:

Revive mints look standard enough. About the size of a dime and the color of a Mucinex Tablet. The mint has a very smooth texture, based off appearance, and it has an appetizingly fresh, minty aroma. Everything seems to point to what is sure to be a very enjoyable experience.

However, a lot of that changes when you actually put the mint in your mouth. With a good mint, you can leave it in your mouth for a while, simply sucking on it and keeping your breath kissably fresh, though I do admit that it takes a lot more than a mint for me to be able to kiss a girl. Usually a brick to the back of their skull. I digress… Revive mints immediately begin to lose their super smooth texture as soon as they hit your saliva, slowly turning into a crumbly mess. It becomes gritty and texturally gross, and is a lot like sucking on sand.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!