Elves are like midgets. Happy, giddy little midgets that prance around in pointy clogs giving away the most awesome of things. Presents, cookies, kicks in the shin, nothing is better than a miniature person that gives you free things. And they obviously make great slaves, too, as the fully-grown people over at Kellogg’s marched their long legs over to the Keebler HQ and used their intimidating height to bully the dwarfed little elves into making a cookie-themed cereal to be marketed to obese American children all across the country.
And I’m sure the fat little bastards are eating this crap up.
Whilst pouring my bowl of Cookie Crunch, my eyes were met with an array of indistinguishable textures lost in a blurry coating of an unappealing brown coloring. After a moment of staring at the mess laying in my bowl, which reminded me of an out of focus bowl of dirt, I was finally able to recognize the two different shapes.
About 90% of the cereal is composed of small rings very akin to Cheerio’s in size. These loops, meant to portray Keebler Fudge Shoppe cookies, are covered in a grayish-brown coating of chocolate flavoring that is just plain unappealing. The other 10% is made up of small cookie-shaped pieces which are meant to represent Chips Deluxe and are a little smaller than everyone’s favorite cookie-themed breakfast cereal, Cookie Crisp.
My first few bites were a mixed bowl (get it?). The cereal’s texture was pleasingly crunchy, which is the exact way something called Cookie Crunch should be, but the taste wasn’t very impressive at all. The flavor is very overpowering in its chocolate attributes, primarily consisting of a powerful fudge taste that not even the milk in the bowl can wash out of your mouth. If you’re a die hard chocolate addict looking for a quick and guilty fix, this may do the trick. For anyone else, however, it’s just too much.
That awesome crunch I was telling you about, which also happens to be the only redeeming quality of this cereal, disappeared after only a few minutes of the cereal resting in milk. The crispy, crunchy texture is replaced by an absolutely disgusting soggy one that works great for cookies, but is just off-putting in a breakfast cereal. Continuing to eat the cereal after this point is very painful, as the unappealing new texture feels nothing short of chewing on a cold, wet loogy with liquidated snot that flows freely between your gums and chunks of soggy boogers that leave a slimy residue all over your tongue.
I’m wasn’t expecting much from Kellogg’s Keebler Cookie Crunch Cereal to begin with, but what I’ve just eaten is far worse than I could’ve imagined. Several poor traits mix together to create one of the worst cereals I’ve eaten in a long time. The gray-brown color, overly fudgey flavor, and a complete inability to hold its texture in milk are ample reasons why you should stay far away from this cereal.
Don’t support midget slavery, kids. Leave this one alone.
- The initial crunch is pretty great
- But the crunch is quickly lost and replaced by a snot-like texture
- Far too chocolaty
- Unappealing grayish brown color
Score: 4.25/10 (Bad)