[Food Review] Banquet Cherry Berry Pie

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Here’s a portion of a review on DIHTS.com:

The first problem I had with my Cherry Berry (I also spotted Apple in the frozen section of my local grocery store) was that it was leaky and made a puddly mess in my microwave. Seeing as how the product was made by Banquet, the margin of error was ultra-thin and being forced to take six seconds out of my five hour work day to wipe up a small mess made my mood less than jovial.

Also, I’d be lying if I said the ultra-thin crust made my mouth water. The box would lead you to believe the structure was thick and durable, when in reality it’s so meager it’s virtually transparent. It’s hard not to be apprehensive about eating something that looks like cheap drywall you’d find scattered about the floor of a Habitat for Humanity project house (I once spent three days on a volunteer work crew with my church’s youth group. Am I a hero? Probably, but that’s not what this review is about).

So with all these obstacles in the way, does it taste as awful as you’d expect? No, not really, which is really just to say it didn’t initiate the gag reflex I was expecting as I pensively stared over it several minutes after microwaving.

Read the full review on our sister site, Does it Hit the Spot?

[Game Review] Kid Icarus: Uprising (Nintendo 3DS)

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Kid Icarus UprisingFor years now, rumors have been running rampant about a radical revival for one of Nintendo’s forgotten franchises. Most of it stemming from the hopeful wishing and constant speculation of a select few big time video game journalists, the rumor mill was almost constantly buzzing with talk of Kid Icarus making a comeback every time the Big N announced it would be revealing any kind of news.

The reason for this is very unclear to me, because I’ve always felt that both the original Kid Icarus for NES sucked pretty hard. Frustrating controls and garbage gameplay mechanics really irritated me every single time I tried to play it. Maybe it was just the fact that I sucked really bad at it, but for whatever reason I just hated the original. So why would anyone want the franchise to make a return?

Luckily, when it was finally confirmed and shown off for the first time, the painfully boring vertical tower climbing gameplay mechanics of the past looked to be completely thrown away in favor of radical aerial combat and action-heavy ground battle segments. For the first time in my life, I was excited for Kid Icarus. And now that the finished game is finally available for the Nintendo 3DS, I am happy to say that it doesn’t disappoint.

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[Flash Game Review] Spikes Tend to Kill You 2

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Spikes Tend to Kill You 2 is a flash skill platformer.  You are a steaming square with a dot in the middle, and you must navigate a series of screens.  Each screen is filled with spikes or turrets that shoot yellow pixel bullets.

The bulk of the gameplay is…well what I described in the previous paragraph.  It hearkens back to other skill jumping games like of maddening insanity like I Wanna Be the Guy or the nightmarish disappearing blocks from Mega Man.  The major difference though, is that with I Wanna Be the Guy it had bits of old Nintendo games and nostalgic graphics.  It was pretty much a self-aware parody of the platformer genre.  With the Mega Man series, the invisible blocks were only part of Dr. Wily’s nefarious plan.  You still get to fight robots and earn different weapons.

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[Food Review] Oreo Cookie Sticks ‘n Creme Dip

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Oreo Cookie Sticks n CremeHere’s a portion of a review posted on our sister site Does it Hit the Spot:

As for the taste, it’s basically what you’d expect it to be, which is to say the more you enjoy Oreo’s, the more likely you are to enjoy this product. Aside from the creme being runnier and less compacted that what you get with the cookies, the taste is virtually the same.

One problem I did have was that I didn’t find the product to be very texturally sound. Having gone through two of the six packages, I had one of the cookies break off on two separate occasions. I don’t know if this complaint really holds much ground as obviously it’s better for them to be too soft than too hard, but when it’s broken into sections, it makes the creme more difficult to proportionately spread and I am certainly anal retentive enough to find this bothersome.

Read the full review on DoesItHitTheSpot.com!

[Movie Review] Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011)

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I find I’m generally only an interesting reviewer when I’m either writing about things I hate or things I love which simultaneously provide me with a platform to tell the people in my life to fuck themselves. The film Martha Marcy May Marlene, which was recently released on DVD, falls into neither of those categories.

It does, however, prove to be a well acted, well made psychological thriller that has maintained a steady presence in my mind in the days following my viewing. And while I can hardly guarantee this editorial will be worth your time, this movie most certainly is.

Plot outline:

After escaping from a cult, Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) makes a panicked phone call to her estranged sister (Sarah Paulson) who allows her to stay with her and her husband (Hugh Dancy). Things inevitably become strained when the mentally damaged Martha, who struggles to differentiate between her past and present life, is unable to shake the anguish she sustained while under the spell of the cult, whose members may or may not be after her.

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[Energy Drink Review] Whoopass Energy Supplement

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Whoopass Energy DrinkHere’s a portion of Kat Leonard’s review posted on our sister site Caffeine Critic:

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Food Review] Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

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Here’s a portion from a review posted on our sister site, Does it Hit the Spot?:

Taco Bell has done it many times before. If the powers that be can’t think of an entirely new product that uses the same handful of readily available ingredients and give a ridiculous made up name, like Tortada, then they’ll settle for the next best thing: take an old favorite, and make it bigger.

But how do they do it? How do they take something small, and make it big? Well, for any fan of great American Cinema, the answer is quite simple. In the critically acclaimed 1997 classic film Good Burger, the demented manager of Mondo Burger uses an illegal chemical known as Triampathol to super size his meat patties. Now, the director chose never to reveal exactly why Triampathol was made illegal, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

The point is, Taco Bell is obviously doing something to our food to make it bigger. All we need now is a few local psued0-Mex restaurant employees dedicated enough to breach the chain’s security and discover their secret and embark on a ridiculously epic quest to put their hole-in-the-wall back on top.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

[Quick Review] North American River Otters

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North American River OtterOtters are the single greatest creatures which God’s hands had ever placed upon this earth.  Not only do they remind me of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, they have these things called “group rubbings” where they all get together and rub against one another.  It’s a giant, fuzzy hullabaloo of squeaky goodness that makes you want to jump in and kiss an otter on the mouth.

Final Words

They’re such capable creatures that they put the “can” in Lontra canadensis.

Pros 

  • They are masters of both land and water.
  • They eat crayfish so I don’t have to.
  • They can be trained by humans to catch and retrieve fish.

Cons

  • Sadly, they are part of the weasel family and must overcome all of the bad connotations associated.
  • The ability of flight eludes them, thus preventing these otherwise flawless creatures from soaring through the skies and wrapping their adorable paws around a perfect score. Which they would probably use as a tool to open shells.

Score:  9.5/10

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[Food Review] Smart Ones Mini Cheeseburgers

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Here’s a portion of Casual Clay’s review from our sister site Does it Hit the Spot:

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, a low fat cheeseburger you cook in the microwave? Even though I will no doubt break both my legs on the never ending puddle of saliva which will flow from my mouth at the mere thought of these, I will crawl on my belly through any terrain long before I even contemplate the idea of seeking medical attention!”

And I must admit this uber-sarcastic school of thought had me cursing myself the second I stepped out of the grocery store with a box of these in hand. But while I was initially excited about writing another one of my angry, cynical rants about bad food, to my surprise, this new entry from Smart Ones really isn’t deserving of my scorn.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

[Movie Review] My Week With Marilyn (2011)

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My Week with Marilyn is a 2011 film based on the true story that transpired in the summer of 1956 on the set of The Prince and the Showgirl, a film that brought together two titans of show business—the highly acclaimed thespian Sir Laurence Olivier and Hollywood icon Marilyn Monroe—with fresh Oxford graduate Colin Clark playing the bridge that connected the two famed actors both on and off the set.

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