[Energy Drink Review] Slurm

Futurama is one of my favorite shows of all time, and it is easily one of the best television programs to hit the tube in recent years. The character, setting, concept, and execution all put this show far above most others during its much too short four season lifetime, after which it was criminally canceled by the selfish assholes at Fox. I’ll never forgive them.

In the television show, Slurm is the greatest canned beverage of the year 3000. Seemingly perfect in every way, there isn’t a single person who dislikes it. That is, of course, until it is discovered that Slurm consists purely and entirely of a giant worm’s anus discharge. Even after this discovery, main character Fry simply cannot get enough of the delightful green liquid. It’s that good.

I don’t know what kind of worm’s ass they are sucking this real life Slurm out of, but it tastes just how I’d expect a worm’s anus slime to taste.

After cracking the tab, I raised the thin can to my nose to take a whiff. It possesses a very artificial scent reminiscent of Rock Star. The odor of sugar, salt, and chemicals is all that’s there. Right then I knew this was going to be a bad energy drink.

The flavor is just as bad. The sugar and salt slosh around in your mouth with no appeal, and when you swallow the chemical concoction burns all the way down. You’ll also notice that you’ve been left with a starchy, gritty coating throughout your entire mouth. This drink is horrible, and there’s no other way of putting it really. Salt, sugar and medicine are the primary flavors you’ll be able to pick up on before your taste buds are burned off your tongue by all of the chemicals in this can.

slurmEven worse than the disgusting aroma and flavor is the absolutely horrid kick. About 30 minutes after consumption I began to feel jittery, anxious, and all around uncomfortable. I was completely incapable of concentrating on any one thing, making it nearly impossible to accomplish any work. I tried to expend some of the sugar rush, but the loads of sugar and salt caused a disgusting belly ache.

Absolutely nothing about this drink other than its logo warranted the $2.99 price tag. The drink comes packaged in an unacceptably cheap single serving 8.4 0z can. Slurm is a complete rip-off that not even collectors should spend their money on.

Final Words:

Maybe the technology simply isn’t there yet. I certainly hope that 1,910 years from now someone will be able to make a drink worthy of the Futurama license. As of right now, however, I suggest staying at least a finglonger’s length away from this shitty cash in of an excellent TV show.

Pros

  • Futurama

Cons

  • Smells like salt
  • Tastes like salt
  • Horrible kick
  • Total rip off

Score: 1.6/10 (Beyond Horrible)

Aroma: 2.25/10
Taste: 2.0/10
Kick: 1.5/10
Value: 1.0/10

11 thoughts on “[Energy Drink Review] Slurm


  1. I just hope the finglonger is invented soon. The world would clearly be a better place if it actually existed.

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  3. I’ve actually had this drink and it wasn’t that bad. It was okay for an energy drink but it wans’t absolutely horrible.


  4. I went into this review totally excited. I mean, SLURM! Worm ass juice or no, would kick ass. Sadly it seems I was wrong for now.


  5. I’m so sad that it sucks… I would have started drinking energy drinks just to be able to drink Slurm. But more importantly, did you not hear the news that Futurama is coming back? They’ve been picked up again for at least two new seasons, starting next summer.


  6. @ TomTom

    Your statement “It was okay for an energy drink” leads me to believe that you don’t have very high standards for energy drinks, which could explain why you didn’t mind this one. Slurm won’t make you puke, but it tastes like pure salt and sugar and delivers a terrible, jittery boost. It is an awful drink.

    @ trish

    I know, I’m also very stoked!


  7. I understand the intrigue, but every product ever created that was from a TV show or movie has always sucked. It doesn’t have to be good, because the fans will at least buy it once to try it. Case and point, this. They got you to try it just because it’s a product featured on a show. And I guarantee you, if they sold Duff Beer or Pawtucket Patriot, millions of people would try it.

    Too bad it sucks though. That can looks cool as hell.

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  9. I thought it was like monster.. Way to exaggerate..I’m not a fan of monster but it’s not salty or gross.. Maybe yours was tainted. Don’t believe this guy it’s not great but it’s not bad.

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