The Five Worst Halloween Treats

It’s October, one of the greatest months of the year. Everything starts to calm down from the summer, but we haven’t yet hit the rush of the holiday season just yet. Also, Halloween! It’s the one holiday that, every year, children plan in advance for. Their costume, their route, what candy they want. It’s also an awful night to deliver pizza on, because you are nearly involved in almost seventeen vehicle/pedestrian collisions. So I thought for this month I would compile a few top 5 lists that are related to our favorite spooky holiday.

Top 5 Worst Halloween Treats:

5. Popcorn Balls

popcorn balls

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a huge popcorn eater. Working at a movie theater for two years will only accelerate that hatred. But, the hatred began brewing when as a young child, I would knock on someone’s door, and they would drop an undoubtedly stale ball of popcorn into my bag. What the hell, old lady?  You couldn’t just buy a bag of Werther’s Originals like everyone else?

4. Toothbrush

toothbrush

Okay, hippie. I get that you don’t support Halloween and the government and stuff, but do you really have to give me toothbrush? I have one at home. Plus, I’m a kid. I’m losing these teeth anyway. Dickhole.

3. Fruit

fruit

Much along the same lines of the toothbrush, I understand the reasoning. You want to give the little youngsters a nice, wholesome treat. But, I didn’t dress up in this mask I can’t even breathe out of to pick up an apple. Give me a Nestle’s Crunch, and then go back into your house and knit.

2. Bag of Pennies

bag of pennies

When I first got this “treat” as a kid, I was so confused. Why are these people giving me money? Oh, they just don’t want to have to roll it and go to the bank. But, do I have to file a tax claim on this? Also, why are all the pennies sticky or completely black?  It’s not even enough to walk down to the gas station to buy a candy bar. Thanks, but I would rather have gotten those unmarked, unlabled pieces of sticky (and shitty) taffy than this.

1. Candy with Razor Blades in it

razor blad lip

Thanks for nothing, guy in the unmarked van by the park. You seemed really nice. That moustache was thick and boisterous. Your jogging pants were accentuated so nicely by your Looney Tunes t-shirt from 1991. And then I go home and eat the candy you gave me and my mouth bleeds. Thanks. I haven’t been able to eat Sweet Tarts since.

Razor blade photo via RockstarVanity.

So, there it is. My Top 5 Worst Halloween Treats, ever. Anyone have anything they think should’ve made the list? Let me know in the comments section!

11 thoughts on “The Five Worst Halloween Treats


  1. Awe man there should be a warning before you go to this post lol. Some of us are eating, well drinking coffee rather. Not that I am that squeamish about blood but that is kinda nasty. 😛


  2. Remember in “Grumpier Old Men” when the Walter Matthau character gave kids staplers and can openers? It was the most anticipated comedy sequel of all time for a reason.
    Also, I’m pretty sure Pritcher is responsible for the razor picture, and I must concur with the previous comment and express that that image is quite nauseating.


  3. Yeah, the pictures were not my inclusion. And my stomach must be stronger than both of your’s because I don’t think it’s “that” disgusting. Oh wait, yeah I do.

    And I never saw either of those Grumpy/Grumpier movies. I was too busy rewatching Blank Check at the time.


  4. Bahahahahahahaha! Hilarious. The only thing I disagree with is pocorn balls. They’re so delicious! But the razor blades. Man.

    Hahahaha.


  5. At my house if you look old enough to drive or have a beard you get the crappy candy. Little kids always get the good candy bars. I do like popcorn balls but only if I make them. O wait there is someone in my neighborhood who gives out Jelly. You know those little plastic tubs at the table in Dennys or Ihop. That has got to be top of the list as weird.


  6. Oh grow up you squeamish babies. That picture is delicious. It makes me hungry.

    @xTruePanda

    I also am fond of Popcorn balls, but only manufactured ones. Homemade ones are always stale and ridden with rat poison.

    @edjunkie

    I give everyone ketchup, straight out of the bottle. Just squirt it in their bags with their moon pies and cow tails. I think I win the weird treat contest.

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  8. The things you do when you’re stuck inside with the flu on a Saturday night. I decided, out of curiosity, to search the words ‘razor lip’ on Google Images to see if my own photo appeared. It did, and it appeared with a link to this entry in your blog.

    It would be great if you could add a credit to ‘RockstarVanity Photography, http://www.RockstarVanity.com‘ as I don’t permit unauthorised display or distribution of my copyrighted art, and the version used here is uncredited and cropped. I don’t mind it being here and am generally fine with my work being used to illustrate blogs if there’s a credit and a link there 🙂

    I love the context the picture has been used in here and I could never ask you to take it down because I’m getting too much amusement from your readers’ reactions to it. They’re great!

    Tanya Simpson
    RockstarVanity Photography
    http://www.RockstarVanity.com

    Ps. Apologies if you’re getting this for the second time. Something weird happened when I first tried to post it.


  9. @ Tanya

    Fixed! Sorry, when I found the image it had a broken link to source, so I had nothing to go off of. Thanks for letting us know where it came from. Great job on the makeup, by the way. I’m pretty sure at least a few readers hurled after seeing it.

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