It’s October, one of the greatest months of the year. Everything starts to calm down from the summer, but we haven’t yet hit the rush of the holiday season just yet. Also, Halloween! It’s the one holiday that, every year, children plan in advance for. Their costume, their route, what candy they want. It’s also an awful night to deliver pizza on, because you are nearly involved in almost seventeen vehicle/pedestrian collisions. So I thought for this month I would compile a few top 5 lists that are related to our favorite spooky holiday.
Top 5 Worst Halloween Treats:
5. Popcorn Balls
I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a huge popcorn eater. Working at a movie theater for two years will only accelerate that hatred. But, the hatred began brewing when as a young child, I would knock on someone’s door, and they would drop an undoubtedly stale ball of popcorn into my bag. What the hell, old lady? You couldn’t just buy a bag of Werther’s Originals like everyone else?
Okay, hippie. I get that you don’t support Halloween and the government and stuff, but do you really have to give me toothbrush? I have one at home. Plus, I’m a kid. I’m losing these teeth anyway. Dickhole.
Much along the same lines of the toothbrush, I understand the reasoning. You want to give the little youngsters a nice, wholesome treat. But, I didn’t dress up in this mask I can’t even breathe out of to pick up an apple. Give me a Nestle’s Crunch, and then go back into your house and knit.
2. Bag of Pennies
When I first got this “treat” as a kid, I was so confused. Why are these people giving me money? Oh, they just don’t want to have to roll it and go to the bank. But, do I have to file a tax claim on this? Also, why are all the pennies sticky or completely black? It’s not even enough to walk down to the gas station to buy a candy bar. Thanks, but I would rather have gotten those unmarked, unlabled pieces of sticky (and shitty) taffy than this.
1. Candy with Razor Blades in it
Thanks for nothing, guy in the unmarked van by the park. You seemed really nice. That moustache was thick and boisterous. Your jogging pants were accentuated so nicely by your Looney Tunes t-shirt from 1991. And then I go home and eat the candy you gave me and my mouth bleeds. Thanks. I haven’t been able to eat Sweet Tarts since.
Razor blade photo via RockstarVanity.
So, there it is. My Top 5 Worst Halloween Treats, ever. Anyone have anything they think should’ve made the list? Let me know in the comments section!