[Random Review] The County Fair

Review:

county fairI’m gonna get right into why I don’t like the fair:

It stinks.

It stinks really fucking bad.

There is shit everywhere, and not only does it smell awful, but to avoid stepping in it you have to watch literally every step you take. If that wasn’t enough, the various animals (cows, goats, pigs, etc.) who are relieving themselves all over every inch of the festivity grounds have a malodorous scent that, in and of itself, would make for an unpleasant evening.

As I approached the fairgrounds, I was feeling smelly as I had not bathed in two days. I quickly felt better, though, as when I got about a mile from my destination, it became abundantly clear that the effect of every shower I had taken in the past month would be instantly alleviated.

As for the events themselves, it pretty much consists of various agriculturally themed shows. Do these interest me? No. But I don’t feel compelled to insult the interests of children, some of whom are still in single-digit age brackets? No, that’s beyond cruel. My only real question is why any of the hundreds of people with no involvement with these shows want to make a trip to the fairgrounds? (I was being paid to attend, so I don’t count).

Rides? I haven’t been to many fairs so I don’t know of the ride capacity some have, but there was no fun in this department at the specific fair (which shall remain nameless) I attended. The closest thing to a “ride” this fair had was a moon bounce, and seeing as how most patrons weigh more than 50 pounds, they were out of luck in that department.

Food? Now there are cheap eats at the fair, and items like funnel cakes taste alright (though you are lucky if you can move after eating one), but environment has to count for something. If I have to inhale fecal matter every time I take a bite of something, shelling out a little extra cash for dinner doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Unless I’m eating at a restaurant with a toilet in the middle of the dining hall, this is not a concern I have when eating out.

Environment? Sorry to beat a dead horse, but if I haven’t made my point, it fucking smells! If someone stuffed a turd into my nasal passage while I slept, I would wake up under the assumption I passed out at the fairgrounds.

Final Words:

Q: What do you call someone who claims to have gone to the county fair without stepping in a pile of shit?

A: A liar.

ZING!

In summary, don’t go.

Pros:

  • If you can find a desolate enough area to eat (good luck) there are some decent food stand items to be found.

Cons:

  • Piles, and piles, and piles and piles of shit released by stinky, stinky animals
  • With the reason mentioned above, how could I possibly need a second “con.”

Final Score: 2.7/10

2 thoughts on “[Random Review] The County Fair


  1. Wow, good job of getting your point through, very harsh. Do you think if I brought a clothes pin for my nose and drank a half gallon of rum so I dont taste shit when I inhale that I would enjoy myself. Or we could just go to the derby like I do every year that way we can inhale carbon monoxide for 3.5 hours and shorten our life span by 10 years. Good review but I guess I like shit….. well carbon monoxide.


  2. It’s funny you should mention the cruelty aspect of it because I was actually given a very stern lecture by head master Pritcher saying I should have been meaner.
    As for the hardcore boozing, if that would make the experience better more power to you. Also, I once covered a fair for a newspaper I worked for, and it contained a combine derby. Ironically I went to this immediately following a visit to a “go green save the earth” booth. I didn’t mention the glaring contradiction in my writing.

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