[News Update] Everyview Contributor Loses Testicles, Joins Twitter

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I never said I wasn’t  a little behind the times.

That title is a tad misleading. I still have my entire scrotum and its contents swinging safe and sound between my thighs, so worry not.

Like seventy-eight years after it became such a “cool” fad, I have broken down and gotten a Twitter account. I feel like if I repeat my mantra, “I am not a douche, I am not a douche…” then I will be fine.

Why I did it? I honestly don’t know. Boredom maybe. A desire to create witty twats throughout the day to the joy of a nation. To show people how in tune to pop culture I am, perhaps. Or somehow create my own sheep who will follow me to the light!

So with all that said people, come and “follow” me by following this link. I need the self-respect. And if you aren’t following Everyview’s twitter already, go ahead and do that now.

4 thoughts on “[News Update] Everyview Contributor Loses Testicles, Joins Twitter”

  1. You should do a 140 character or less tweet about how it feels to get the piss kicked out of you in fantasy football by another Everyview contributor.
    Seriously though, had I scored two fewere points, you and I would have been the bottom two scorers of the week. What could be sweeter than winning despite having the second lowest score of the week? Somebody up there, God perhaps, loves me!

  2. The hilarious thing is that I had like 90-something points on my bench. By going with conventional selections, I ended up benching guys like Matt Ryan, Cedric Benson, Fred Jackson, Earl Bennett, Steve Smith (NYG) and Kellen Winslow, all of whom score between 12-20 points, in favor of Carson Palmer, Steven Jackson, Andre Johnson, and Lee Evans, the highest of whom scored 6 FUCKING POINTS. Missing that draft is going to wreck this year for me. What a bonehead decision that was.

  3. Note this: if you ever even remotely praise Cedric Benson again you will be fired on the spot.
    A few of those duds were a surprise, especially Andre Johnson. I actually really wanted Matt Ryan, but couldn’t pass up on Philip Rivers, even though I like Ryan better as a player. Make a note, Atlanta will win the NFC this season!

  4. I agree about Matt Ryan. I just couldn’t play him against my beloved Phins because I hate the conflict of interest. And Cedric Benson has reformed himself it seems, and I think he’s a good back-up RB to have this season. You should be happy. Instead of him, your boys in Chicago got Matt Forte, the next LT.

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