Overview:
Whether we wish to discuss the topic openly or not, all of us shit and many of us do so multiple times daily. For some of us, like yours truly, these encounters can be violent and unpleasant affairs that can sometimes leaves us questioning if life is even worth living. What would often magnify this discomfort was having to spend extra time reliving the horror we just encountered with the use of toilet paper which more or less just clumps things together and makes the affair all the more unpleasant. Well for those of you tired of this archaic practice but are unaware of where to turn, the good folks at Cottonelle have the solution you have been waiting for your entire lives.
Review:
“Cottonelle Fresh,” is a flushable moist toilet wipe created to give the dumper a smooth, clean alternative to dry paper squares which just mash the mess even further into the waste disposal area (by which I mean your asshole). The moist, but not too moist sensation that follows is like a warm (though the actual temperature is quite cool) hug at a time when a hug is needed.
The most crucial step when using this product is the initial wiping motion which I like to call the “lift and separate” motion. This is where the product truly shines as it is durable enough for the user to really dig in without fear that the apparatus will snap and leave you with a finger full of unpleasantness. Once you get past this most brutal of stages, the Cottonelle Fresh basically handles the remaining workload itself.
Another major advantage this product has over toilet paper that it is a real space saver. While I don’t speak for everyone, I know that I don’t feel comfortable getting up until that last square comes up clean. With toilet paper, this can take several roll tears, which leads to multiple folds until it leads to ridiculous bowl cloggage. If you require more than one fresh wipe per “project” you are either a pooping monster or you are just not using the product correctly. As I mentioned, the first motion should take care of the bulk of the problem. The rest is just routine maintenance that can be taken care of with a few carefully strategic folds.
One complaint I have heard from the unconverted is that this product is apparently for babies and that once you evolve to the stage where you can wipe yourself that moisture isn’t needed. If a stupider argument has ever been made, I haven’t heard it. So, because we can maintenance our own sphincters, we shouldn’t be subjected to the comfort given to the infants who can’t? If I believed for a second that walking around all day with severe ass rash is a prelude to adulthood I would have never even bothered to toilet train myself.
I don’t want this to sound like I have nothing but contempt for toilet paper as it has served as a valuable invention in human history. But when a wonderful evolution springs forward, isn’t it time we all jump aboard? According to the always reliable people at Wikipedia, it has been around in its present form since the sixth century. The Sixth Century! With all our modern advances, how is it that so many people can be clinging to an item that hasn’t noticeably evolved in 1500 years? I mean, candles were a great invention, but I will light my house with electricity thank you.
Final Words:
Granted, some people don’t enjoy having conversations about poo, so that is perhaps why some people have been so reluctant to heed the praise I have to this, the most superior of modern day products. Well, whatever hangups you may have about discussions, it’s time we all grow up and embrace what needs to be a new revolution of defacatory freshness.
And for those of you who are users but have felt the need for the masses to push you into the underground, the time for silence is over! With the upcoming Easter holiday approaching, what better time to make a hard push to the unconverted. With the state of the world today, one has to wonder if Jesus would have even felt the need to resurrect himself. Well I can’t speak for his point of view, but I know I would want to return to a world where people were at least trying to improve themselves and I see no better stepping stone that a switch to Cottonelle Fresh (or, to a lesser extent, the effective but too moist Charmin Freshmates). I firmly believe the revolution I have been speaking of in this “review” will take place. Why not sooner rather than later.
Pros:
- Unprecedented sphinctral refreshment
- Improves ones mood and outlook on life
- When walking, one never gets the feeling his or her ass cheeks are made of heated leather
Cons:
- People are reluctant to embrace them (idiots)
Score:
Overall: 9.9/10
Freshness: 9.9
Innovation: 9
Necessity: 10
Toilet Paper: 4 (You’ve served your purpose, now it’s time to step aside.)
image via
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I laughed my chapped ass off. Good show, sport.
If a girl ever tells you she doesn’t poop…
SHE’S A LIAR!
Once you get married you’ll learn the horrible truth.
Though I haven’t been converted to Cottonelle yet, I plan on trying then after this rave review!!!!
And yes, women do poop!!!
I swear George Constanza agrees with you, and at one point talks about toilet paper having never changed much in his lifetime.
Please people, have you searched “cottonelle wipes rash” on google? you will be unpleasantly surprised at how awful some of these cases are. Cottonelle contains an ingredient, MCI, or methylchloroisothiazolinone, and it has been labeled the culprit for causing mild to extreme itchy rashes on people’s crotches. How about reading up and that and weigh out the validity of this article??
I have perhaps the world’s most irritable bowels and I haven’t had any sort of problem in this regard. Just because you’re afraid of the future doesn’t mean you have to resort to fear mongering to scare off those of us who aren’t.