Review: Cottonelle Fresh

cottonellefreshOverview:

Whether we wish to discuss the topic openly or not, all of us shit and many of us do so multiple times daily. For some of us, like yours truly, these encounters can be violent and unpleasant affairs that can sometimes leaves us questioning if life is even worth living.  What would often magnify this discomfort was having to spend extra time reliving the horror we just encountered with the use of toilet paper which more or less just clumps things together and makes the affair all the more unpleasant. Well for those of you tired of this archaic practice but are unaware of where to turn, the good folks at Cottonelle have the solution you have been waiting for your entire lives.

Review:

“Cottonelle Fresh,” is a flushable moist toilet wipe created to give the dumper a smooth, clean alternative to dry paper squares which just mash the mess even further into the waste disposal area (by which I mean your asshole). The moist, but not too moist sensation that follows is like a warm (though the actual temperature is quite cool) hug at a time when a hug is needed.

The most crucial step when using this product is the initial wiping motion which I like to call the “lift and separate” motion. This is where the product truly shines as it is durable enough for the user to really dig in without fear that the apparatus will snap and leave you with a finger full of unpleasantness. Once you get past this most brutal of stages, the Cottonelle Fresh basically handles the remaining workload itself.

Another major advantage this product has over toilet paper that it is a real space saver. While I don’t speak for everyone, I know that I don’t feel comfortable getting up until that last square comes up clean. With toilet paper, this can take several roll tears, which leads to multiple folds until it leads to ridiculous bowl cloggage. If you require more than one fresh wipe per “project” you are either a pooping monster or you are just not using the product correctly. As I mentioned, the first motion should take care of the bulk of the problem. The rest is just routine maintenance that can be taken care of with a few carefully strategic folds.

One complaint I have heard from the unconverted is that this product is apparently for babies and that once you evolve to the stage where you can wipe yourself that moisture isn’t needed. If a stupider argument has ever been made, I haven’t heard it. So, because we can maintenance our own sphincters, we shouldn’t be subjected to the comfort given to the infants who can’t? If I believed for a second that walking around all day with severe ass rash is a prelude to adulthood I would have never even bothered to toilet train myself.

I don’t want this to sound like I have nothing but contempt for toilet paper as it has served as a valuable invention in human history. But when a wonderful evolution springs forward, isn’t it time we all jump aboard? According to the always reliable people at Wikipedia, it has been around in its present form since the sixth century. The Sixth Century! With all our modern advances, how is it that so many people can be clinging to an item that hasn’t noticeably evolved in 1500 years? I mean, candles were a great invention, but I will light my house with electricity thank you.

Final Words:

Granted, some people don’t enjoy having conversations about poo, so that is perhaps why some people have been so reluctant to heed the praise I have to this, the most superior of modern day products. Well, whatever hangups you may have about discussions, it’s time we all grow up and embrace what needs to be a new revolution of defacatory freshness.

And for those of you who are users but have felt the need for the masses to push you into the underground, the time for silence is over! With the upcoming Easter holiday approaching, what better time to make a hard push to the unconverted. With the state of the world today, one has to wonder if Jesus would have even felt the need to resurrect himself. Well I can’t speak for his point of view, but I know I would want to return to a world where people were at least trying to improve themselves and I see no better stepping stone that a switch to Cottonelle Fresh (or, to a lesser extent, the effective but too moist Charmin Freshmates). I firmly believe the revolution I have been speaking of in this “review” will take place. Why not sooner rather than later.

Pros:

  • Unprecedented sphinctral refreshment
  • Improves ones mood and outlook on life
  • When walking, one never gets the feeling his or her ass cheeks are made of heated leather

Cons:

  • People are reluctant to embrace them (idiots)

Score:

Overall: 9.9/10

Freshness: 9.9
Innovation:
9
Necessity:
10
Toilet Paper:
4 (You’ve served your purpose, now it’s time to step aside.)

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18 thoughts on “Review: Cottonelle Fresh


  1. If a girl ever tells you she doesn’t poop…

    SHE’S A LIAR!

    Once you get married you’ll learn the horrible truth.

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  3. Though I haven’t been converted to Cottonelle yet, I plan on trying then after this rave review!!!!

    And yes, women do poop!!!


  4. I swear George Constanza agrees with you, and at one point talks about toilet paper having never changed much in his lifetime.


  5. Please people, have you searched “cottonelle wipes rash” on google? you will be unpleasantly surprised at how awful some of these cases are. Cottonelle contains an ingredient, MCI, or methylchloroisothiazolinone, and it has been labeled the culprit for causing mild to extreme itchy rashes on people’s crotches. How about reading up and that and weigh out the validity of this article??


  6. I have perhaps the world’s most irritable bowels and I haven’t had any sort of problem in this regard. Just because you’re afraid of the future doesn’t mean you have to resort to fear mongering to scare off those of us who aren’t.


  7. The person who warned about the rash is right. I tried one of their free samples and am now in quite an unfortunate position “down there.” Not everyone will have a reaction but some people might. I read somewhere that about 3% of people have a reaction to the MCI she mentioned. Not trying to scare you, just trying to warn you. There was a man who had a rash so severe that he couldn’t walk (and therefore work as a mailman) for 2 months, look it up. I’ve heard good things about baby wipes though. :-)

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  9. I was a total believer in the cottonelle wipes, I even took them with me when I travelled. But, after having a hellish itchy rash, yeast infection horror of a scene in my crack for six months, I FINALLY realized it was probably the wipes giving me the problem. I stopped cold turkey, and the rash went away!!! I started using the wipes again once I healed, and it came back. Believe me, it’s nice to have a moist wipe, but they have all kinds of chemicals in them that are just not suitable for continued use. I would suggest using only in moderation…..if you can.


  10. I had used Cottonelle fresh wipes for years…took them everywhere, just like a comment earlier…loved them. Well, I guess about 6 months ago or so, I noticed the smell of the wipes had changed and I actually loved the new scent, but after using them for some time I noticed I was having major hemorrhoid issues…yes, I have had 2 kids and every once in a while I have issues. This went on for months and my husband was also having issues. Then we took a trip and forgot the wipes, amazingly we were both better….we have stopped using them and I have no more problems and neither does my husband. I know it was the wipes….


  11. I like those two above have used cottonelle wipes for years (my husband, too). We have recently had to stop using them because of horrible itchy butt and rash. I quit using them, then tried again and yep, it’s the wipes. I’m sad because I like a clean butt, but the itchiness and rash is not tolerable at all! I also noticed the fragrance difference and assumed that they must have started using something new in their wipes that has affected us. =(


  12. I was an early adopter of these wipes and have used them for @ least 3 years. Well about 8 months ago i started to have an itch problem and it grew to what appeared to be a fungal problem. Started on anti-fungals and kept my self dry but kept using the wipes as I thought they could only help. Well it would get “better” and I would use the AF’s for weeks as it never got good. Then I would stop using the AF’s and it would get worse. Then it moved to my cheeks and I got 4 boil like things and I said WTF? So then it just kept getting worse. About a week ago i just stopped the wipes and got some zeasorb drying powder on the net. Everything is clearing up nicely. I can’t believe they sell these things with no disclaimer. I’m so pissed I’m consulting an attorney. This is just ridiculous. They should have some warnings that it may cause a reaction. Anyway, I have pics of my but and the packaging saved so I can sue these mothers………


  13. I just brought the wipes n loved the way they felt as far as after going #2. But the i got a bad yeast infection. I threw the rest away. Waste of money.


  14. Same embarrassing problem here. Have been using wet wipes for quite some time, but started having terrible problems with rash, itching, etc. I have been doctoring with Prep H, Desitin, and Vaseline for weeks to no avail. I bought Prep H wipes (which mainly contain Witch Hazel, a natural ingredient) a week or so ago and immediately noticed how much better things were getting down under. This morning at work, I used Cottonelle Wet Wipes because they were the only thing available. Within a few hours I was itching terribly. The rash is now back with a vengeance.

    I just google “Cottonelle wet wipe rash” and wound up here. It looks like quite a few folks are having the same problem. I’m glad I finally figured out the problem.


  15. Same thing going on here.

    I never get yeast infections, and after using these wipes 2-3 times, I have an awful yeast infection.


  16. I too was using the Cottonelle wipes and for the last 7 months could not figure out why I had such intense itching and a rash that just wouldn’t get better.Kept using the wipe thinking that they would help with the healing process.It finally occured to me,that the wipes are what cause the rash in the first place! It’s been 3 days of no more wipes and what a difference! I have also been applying a cortisone cream to the area and it has really helped.They should have a warning on the wipes.I see that I’m not the only one that has had a problem with them.Feeling relief for the first time in 7 months! Will never use them again!


  17. I have been living in an itchy hell for 3 months. I’ve had many sleepless nights and many many uncomfortable days dealing with an itchy backside. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was causing it. I thought it was from shaving or my new detergent, body soap… I didn’t know! I changed everything to no avail. I kept using the wipes never thinking they WERE the problem. I would actually use them when I was itching really badly thinking they were cleaning the area UGGHH. Then, finally, I had 2 days without itch, used the wipes and BAM, back in hell. It finally clicked. So I went online today and here we are. I’ve read that Seventh Generation wipes don’t have the irritant that the Cottonelle wipes do. I’m going to try those. I wouldn’t wish this rash on my worst enemy!

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