Review: Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator


Ever heard of Brawndo? Well if you haven’t seen the cult classic film Idiocracy then probably not. Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator is basically a novelty energy drink, but one that excels far ahead of all other joke drinks and competes with big names like Monster and Bawls on all fronts, and actually wins in most.

Straight from the can:

BRAWNDO’S GOT WHAT PLANTS CRAVE! Brawndo’s got electrolytes. And that’s what plants crave. They crave electrolytes. Which plants crave. they crave electrolytes. Which is what Brawndo has. And that’s why plants crave Brawndo. Not water, like from the toilet.

Don’t try to make sense of it, because you can’t. Just take note of the fact that Brawndo has electrolytes and does not come out of the toilet, I guess.


After I got my first can of Brawndo I rushed to the video store and rented Idiocracy, figuring I should at least know where the drink comes from before writing a review. In fact I found seeing the movie more important than actually drinking it, as I didn’t indulge in the magical green liquid until the next day. Did watching the movie help at all? Nope. All I know about Brawndo is that it has what plants crave, and if stupid people are allowed to have sex then Brawndo will be the world’s best and only drink here in 500 years or so, and for damn good cause. Let’s talk about it.

When I opened my first can of Brawndo I still had no idea what to expect. In all honesty I had imagined the drink to be bland, tasteless and salty. But all my fears dissipated with the first whiff. A deliciously sweet, almost soft lemon-lime scent remniscant of green kool-aid. A very delicious scent, indeed, but does the taste impress just as much?

Yes. Brawndo is easily one of the greatest tasting energy drinks I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a lot of energy drinks. It’s a wonderfully sweet taste that isn’t overly sugary. In fact, the lemon-lime flavor works so well I wonder why more drinks haven’t used it. Anyway, this is easily the high point of the drink, and left me thoroughly impressed. The best part is that it doesn’t leave you feeling thirsty like some of the energy drinks on the market do, and instead leaves you feeling properly satisfied and your thirst thoroughly quenched, or sould I say muitilated.


Another amazing thing about Brawndo is that it’s the industry’s first carbonated sports/energy drink hybrid, which means that taking advantage of the energy rush won’t leave you dehydrated. It’s a brilliant concept that is well executed and could soon become an industry standard as companies have begun to make similar products like Full Throttle Hydration.

When it comes to kick, Brawndo delivers properly. Since the drink is designed to keep you hydrated before, during, and after workouts and exercises the kick comes slow, low, and lasts long. By this I mean you won’t drink a can and immediately be pissing off those around you with your ability to talk faster and move more, but you’ll instead feel a low buzz that comes along and makes you feel really good. You won’t be shaky or spazzy, but you’ll be able to perform better, focus concentration, and enjoy and take advantage of your kick.

Brawndo even manages to excel in the field of value, offering 24 16oz cans for only $39.95 right here. While forty bucks may seem a little high for some energy drinks, think about the fact that it’s for a 24 case. If you were to apply the industry standard of $2 a can, then you should be spending $48 bucks, but instead your are only throwing $40. Makes since? I’m talking like a fag.

So What the Hell are Electrolytes?

How Stuff Works says:

Electrolyte is a “medical/scientific” term for salts, specifically ions. The term electrolyte means that this ion is electrically-charged and moves to either a negative (cathode) or positive (anode) electrode:

  • ions that move to the cathode (cations) are positively charged
  • ions that move to the anode (anions) are negatively charged

We say:

Hows Stuff Works is fags. Electrolytes are what plants crave. Duh.

Final Words:

Brawndo is an awesome energy supplement that keeps you hydrated and energized with minimal if any crash. It’s a great tasting blend with a delicious aroma that will satisfy and leave all your sense in ecstasy. If you can find it, get this drink and I promise you’ll be craving Brawndo more so than any plant.


  • Powerful awesome aroma gets you in the mood
  • One of the greatest tasting energy drinks on the market
  • Innovatively designed to be sports/energy drink hybrid
  • Some value to be had
  • It’s got electrolytes


  • Not readily available at most gas stations
  • It doesn’t last forever
  • It actually isn’t good for plants, even though they crave it


Overall: 8.8/10 (Go buy it. It’s good)

Aroma: 8.5/10 (delicious)
Taste: 9.0/10 (So awesome)
Kick: 8.5/10 (long lasting, not overpowering)
Value: 9.0/10 (Actually lower than industry standard if bought online)
It’s got: Electrolytes/10 (It’s what plants crave)

13 thoughts on “Review: Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator

  1. Dude I loved Idiocracy, haha. Luke wilson kicks ass. But I had no idea this was a real drink. I’m totally gonna have to get my hands on some.

  2. Loved Idiocracy! And the fact that they have that spiel right on the can is hilarious…So glad you found it. Did you buy the case from ThinkGeek? If not, where did you find the single can?

    I need to have one NOW.

    awesome review… 🙂

  3. Hahaha, I can’t believe they really put that on the can. As RayRay said, where else can you get this other than at that link?

    Anyway, I didn’t really like idiocracy. Kinda bored me.

  4. This stuff is totally the shit. They used to sell it at one of the video stores in my town. I thought it would taste like shit, but I was pleasantly surprised.

  5. I think it’s one of the best energy drinks in can now a days.Offering strong effect that increase our energy in performing our crafts.But energy drink like other things can bring harmful effect and the number one to avoid is to get dehydrated.But worry no more for the new and definitely one of the best energy drink is now offered,the Vitamin Water.

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  7. Update! Tried some and fucking loved it. I did some research and found that this is from redux, the same people who did cocaine. Their drinks are so good, but they just aren’t readily available in too many places. Why the FUCK not?

  8. this drink is at to low end of the 330 drinks i have tried. it like pine saw that wont kill you… but instead just made you wish you were… taste 2, can look 10, hype 10, value 7 worth the trade with K.R. aka energy guru owner of the (20 20 trade shipping was like $40 ), kick 3, aroma 3 well if u like pine saw you could rate it higher. redux for sure made a better product all around on cocaine. 5.83/10 overall worth trying once due to the hype.

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  11. Idiocracy was a hilarious movie. I need to get some brawndo and stop drinking water, like from the toilet

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