Review: Big Black Java Monster

Overview:

If you are the kind of person that prefers your Monster to bite back
then you are going to want to grab yourself a Big Black one. Grab it
tight and hold onto it with pride. Note how hard it is to wrap your
hand around this 15 oz behemoth. Can you handle it? Take a risk. Walk
up to the cashier and whip out your Big Black beauty. Tell him you
want it more than you’ve ever wanted anything. In exchange for your
$2.49 he will let you tear into this bitter-sweet supplement. Do it
slowly, try not to shake. Slowly lift the Big Black Monster to your
lips and take it all in. Don’t swallow yet. Savor it. Mmm.

Review:

If you clicked the read more button after reading that intro then you are gay. And you can’t deny it.

Anyway, almost every aspect about this drink can be likened to Mean Bean
(review here). I’ll go through and analyze the things that differ, but
if I don’t list it in the review just assume that it’s too similar to
Mean Bean for me to want to go into.

Big Black Java Monster, the original flavor in Monster Energy’s lineup of deliciously creamy cold coffees, tries to capture that punch of drinking black coffee. Now, I’m not a huge fan of black coffee, but I love the feeling of taking this Big Black Monster’s creamy nectar into my mouth and swishing it around before swallowing it all in one smooth motion, satisfying all my senses and leaving a tingling feeling on my tongue.

The one thing that you will notice is the unfortunately ever present aftertaste. It doesn’t go away. In fact, the only way to get it to go away is to take another swig of the substance that put that taste in your mouth in the first place, and even doing that only provides temporary relief. It’s like meth. It’s really good at first, but once the effect wears off bugs crawl in your skin and it seems that everyone is a reincarnation of Lucifer and they are trying to eat your soul. Actually, it’s nothing like meth.

Final Words:

Pros:

  • Delicious aroma
  • Taste has more of a punch
  • Being able to say you love swallowing the sweet nectar from a Big Black Monster without being gay

Cons:

  • Aftertaste constantly nags at you until you go insane. Like Chinese water torture.
  • Same steep price and lack of kick as Mean Bean

Score:

7/10
Taste: 6/10 (Lost points for the horrible aftertaste)
Aroma: 8/10 (Deliciously creamy)
Kick: 6/10 (Lacking)
Value: 6/10 ($2.49 is just a little too steep)
Black Penis Jokes in this Review: Far too many/10 (lol)

7 thoughts on “Review: Big Black Java Monster


  1. Haha lol. I love this shit, I just bought a can yesterday after reading this. You made it sound so sensually satisfying.

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