[Food Review] Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

Squid Jerky

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think itsounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

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[Food Review] Kroger Boneless, Skinless Chicken Thighs

Recently I chronicled my disgusted infatuation with the occasionally horrendous, but consistently wallet-friendly Banquet Microwavable Meals. And while I stand behind by lackadaisical eating habits, there are just some special occasions where even the laziest of us want to treat ourselves to a nice meal. In my case, the definition of “nice” is limited to using the oven as opposed to the microwave.

So after some typical rowdy Friday night shenanigans (spending 25 minutes debating whether or not to do dishes or laundry before realizing, hey, I can do both!) I had worked up quite an appetite; an appetite which I felt only my seldom-used stove could alleviate.

Of course the appliance isn’t what makes or breaks a dining experience, and while there were various quality products I could have cooked in said appliance, Kroger’s Boneless, Skinless Chicken Thighs is not such a product. Continue reading

[Energy Drink Review] Turn Left


Energy drinks are supposed to make you move fast. Cars move fast. Especially race cars. Race cars usually only turn left. Get it? That is where this drink got it’s name. But if you think that’s stupid, then you should hear the drink’s slogan: “Turn Left Twice and Turn Your Day Around.” Continue reading