[Food Review] Burger King’s Whiplash Whopper

So it seems The King has joined forces with Iron Man to create a super duper promotional burger to push the Man of Metal’s highly anticipated new film, “Iron Man 2,” which I am effing sick of hearing about. Am I excited for the movie? Yes. How could I not be? Just looking at the cast roster for the film, which is loaded with at least one of every type of Hollywood badass out there, gets me pumped.

Do I want to see advertisements for this film every time I opening my eyes? Absolutely not. I already know it exists, and I already plan on seeing it whenever it is convenient for me to do so. Leave me alone, Iron Man 2, I’m tired of you hogging my magazines, movie previews, commercials and now my fast food menus. What’s next? Promotional free Iron Man 2 tattoos at select parlors?

Come to think of it, that would be sweet. Continue reading

[Food Review] Chili Cheese Unbelieva-Burger (Rally’s)

I have been without a paycheck for going on too long now. Thus, my culinary options have dwindled from mediocre to abysmal, yet through no fault of my nearly flawless genetics I have retained my stunning physique. Now, for someone of my athletic build (I have been called my time’s athletic Adrien Brody by many folks) Rally’s might seem like the last place I would be found. Not so, as with the implementation of their $1 Unbelieva-Burgers, I felt compelled to swing through their two drive-thru’d restaurant twice in the last week. And since my beloved Editor-In-Chief Zac Pritcher already handled describing the Bacon Cheddar Crisp, it is my duty to tell you everything you need to know about the Chili Cheeseburger. Continue reading

[Food Review] Bacon Cheddar Crisp Unbelieva-Burger (Rally’s)

I love Rally’s, which a lot of people find weird. I think it is because most people automatically connect Rally’s with their NASCAR promotions. And when people think of NASCAR, they think of white trash. While I don’t consider myself to be white trash, I live in what could easily be considered a white trash town. The city of Terre Haute, IN is a place where you’ll find plenty of overweight dudes with mullets and tattoos of Satan living in a garbage receptacle on their forearm. It’s a place where a vast community of meth addicts take pride in how many teeth they have lost and enjoy showing off their needle tracks. A place where, if you’re lucky, the sewage plant is overflowed and the whole city smells like human feces.

Needless to say this city runs through my veins, and it is with my heritage that I have inherited a fondness for mullets and a love for Rally’s. I was fairly excited earlier today when I drove up through the drive-thru, craving something cheap and greasy, and saw a sign for their new $1 Unbelieva-Burgers. What a deal! I ordered the Bacon Cheddar Crisp, figuring it would be my safest best as it easily seems like the most accessible of the three burgers, got some fries and a soda, and drove off to enjoy my cheap meal. Continue reading

[Food Review] Milky Way Simply Caramel

The only actual goal I’ve ever had in life (aside from the one of playing in the NBA which officially died after I failed to make my sixth grade A-team) is to compose a truly important piece of writing a large number of people could cling onto.

In that spirit, for the second time in as many days, I’m reviewing a candy bar. Continue reading

[Food Review] Doritos Late Night: All Nighter Cheeseburger

The Doritos Late Night line of snacks has found massive success almost entirely by word of mouth. And how could it not? I mean, in a market saturated with purely artificially flavored chips that taste kind of like the name on the bag suggests, it’s nice to be able to snack on something that actually tastes like Tacos or Jalapeno Poppers. I still remember my first bag of Tacos at Midnight. It lasted about 3.2 minutes.

The first new flavor since the now legendary line of chips launched has finally arrived in the form of All Nighter Cheeseburger. Trust me, if you love cheeseburgers, you will love these chips. Continue reading

[Food Review] Chocolate Cheerios

The Cheerios family of cereals just won’t quit growing. Different flavors and variations of Cheerios have been continuously introduced since way back in 1979 and has hit flavors ranging from the long time favorite Honey Nut Cheerios to the less popular flavors like Berry Burst. For whatever reason though, Cheerios never thought to release a chocolate flavor, which is easily the most obvious breakfast cereal flavor. Until now.

Likely inspired by the success of 2008’s Banana Nut Cheerios, brand new Chocolate Cheerios attempt to satisfy the sweet tooth of chocoholics everywhere while simultaneously helping them lower their cholesterol and get some extra whole grain into their diets. Chocolate Cheerios took about 30 years longer to come out than it should have, but it’s finally here and I’m finally going to eat it.

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[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Beefy 5 Layer Burrito

For most of my life I’ve had a pretty casual opinion of Taco Bell. I always found it to be a moderately enjoyable fast food eating experience, but not one that would regularly make it to the top of my dining out list. That’s changed over the last year or so though, as their expansive collection of cheap menu items have been keeping my poor, emaciated ass alive.

So as a newly appointed fan  I was somewhat eager to try out the latest addition to their $.89 value menu, the Beefy 5 Layer Burrito, and I must say it was more than tasty enough to reach my moderately high expectations. Continue reading

[Food Review] Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets (UPDATED)

Wendy’s has the absolute best chicken nuggets around, no questions asked. And now, here recently, a new form of that unparalleled nugget has been introduced to a market starved for new flavors of processed chicken to dip into their Chocolate Frosties. And what better way to serve up a new variation of a classic nugget than by making it spicy?

I’m not going to lie, I was very excited to try these. As I’ve already made quite obvious, I love Wendy’s nuggets. I also love spicy foods, especially spicy chicken. However delicious my dreams of these warm little chicken nuggets were, the real life things are nothing short of a disappointment. Continue reading

[Food Review] Viennetta Frozen Dairy Dessert Cake (Vanilla)


That’s the word that first crossed my mind when I spotted the box for Viennetta Frozen Dairy Dessert Cake sitting in the frozen aisle at the grocery at which I’m humbly employed. If I properly recall, it was about 8:00 in the morning, time for the first break of my 6AM to 2:30PM shift, and nothing sounded better for breakfast than this gorgeous looking ice cream cake.

I know what you’re thinking. “Hey fatty, ice cream cake isn’t cereal!” Shut your mouth, yes it is.

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[Food Review] Hardee’s Monster Biscuit

hardees-monster-biscuitThe food world is full of choices. White or wheat, rare or well-done, medium or large, regular fries or curly, single or double, hash browns or home fries, etc. The list goes on for what seems like forever and, quite frankly, it is overwhelming! But of all of the panic and pressure caused by any choice I’ve ever had to make at a restaurant, nothing has been as difficult to overcome as “ham, sausage, or bacon?”

Hardee’s understands me. They know me. They get who I am. They understand that making such a decision borders on impossible for some people, and they have a solution. The Monster Biscuit: ham, sausage, egg, and bacon all shoved into a single breakfast sandwich. Hallelujah. Continue reading