[Food Review] Burger King’s Ciabatta Breakfast Club

How long has Burger King had breakfast?

As long as I can consciously remember. I’m sure if I dug deep enough into my suppressed memory I would be able to find a time that the King didn’t offer as much saturated fat as Roseanne Barr’s left thigh in the morning hours, but doing so is dangerous. Who knows what else I might find while digging through the purposefully forgotten banks of my memories? Forgotten stories of Uncle Chuck’s “games”? Concealed memories of my infant brother Todd, whom in a fit of jealous range I suffocated and ate, only to have my parents convince me it was just a dream so I could grow up and continue to function?

Nah, none of that stuff ever happened to me. But I feel bad for the sorry sonofabitch who just remembered losing his virginity to the football team when he was only seven years old.


Wait what was my point? Oh yeah! Have you seen those awful new commercials of BK promoting their “New” breakfast menu? If not, good for you. I don’t understand it. BK has had breakfast for a really long time, why are they promoting it like it’s something wholly new just because they added like five new items and switched their coffee brand?

Read the rest of this review.

[Food Review] Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

Here’s a portion from a review posted on our sister site, Does it Hit the Spot?:

Taco Bell has done it many times before. If the powers that be can’t think of an entirely new product that uses the same handful of readily available ingredients and give a ridiculous made up name, like Tortada, then they’ll settle for the next best thing: take an old favorite, and make it bigger.

But how do they do it? How do they take something small, and make it big? Well, for any fan of great American Cinema, the answer is quite simple. In the critically acclaimed 1997 classic film Good Burger, the demented manager of Mondo Burger uses an illegal chemical known as Triampathol to super size his meat patties. Now, the director chose never to reveal exactly why Triampathol was made illegal, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

The point is, Taco Bell is obviously doing something to our food to make it bigger. All we need now is a few local psued0-Mex restaurant employees dedicated enough to breach the chain’s security and discover their secret and embark on a ridiculously epic quest to put their hole-in-the-wall back on top.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

[Food Review] Burger King Fire Grilled Ribs

When I entered a local Burger King recently and discovered an ad for their Fire Grilled Ribs, it struck me as an idea so awful there was simply no way I could leave without ordering them. The thought of ribs being served at Burger King sounded like the fast food equivalent of an Ed Wood movie.

So, after letting two groups of people go ahead of me in line (I am just self-conscious enough to be embarrassed at the idea of having people overhear me ordering this) I was ready to write a scathing review of this somewhat (to me at least) comical product.

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[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Mini Quesadilla

taco bell's mini quesadillaTaco Bell likes to mix things up on their value menus quite frequently, much more often than their competition anyway. This helps to keep things fresh in rotation, but it also means that on the occasion awesome items such as the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito get replaced by lackluster ones like the Beefy Five Layer Burrito. Yes, I’m still sour about that.

The newest addition to the Why Pay More value menu comes in the form of the Mini Quesadilla, which is essentially a white tortilla, roughly half the size of the one used for a regular Quesadilla, sprinkled with a three cheese blend which consists of cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella, folded over and grilled.

Essentially? Who the hell am I trying to kid, that’s exactly what it is.

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[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada

I always get super excited when Taco Bell comes out with a new menu item. Ever since they revealed my now-favorite Volcano Taco, I’ve found myself to be like a fat, zitty 20-year-old kid with an intense inability to control his anticipation for greasy new Taco Bell menu items with stupid names, made up or otherwise. Oh wait…

Taco Bell’s new Tortadas are just that — a new Taco Bell menu item with a stupid name. Believe it or not, though, the word Tortada isn’t simply the result of a corporate brainstorm where a bunch of old white guys try to combine names of Spanish food items to fit their needs (enchirito = enchilada + burrito). Perhaps even more stupid than that is the fact that tortada means “cake,” and Taco Bell’s Tortada is not a cake. It is a bunch of recycled ingredients wrapped up with a tortilla, grilled, and shoved inside of a Quesadilla wrapper.

Wanna know something else about Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada? It sucks. Continue reading

[Food Review] Wendy’s Premium Fish Fillet

I’m not Catholic, but I love March, more specifically, Lent. You may be asking out loud “but Zackery, if you don’t believe in binge drinking, unprotected sex, and cursing for no apparent reason (all of which are common practices of the Catholic faith), then why would you care about Lent (the time of the year when the Catholic peoples quit eating certain foods for whatever reason)?”

The answer is simple, I love fish. You see, to serve the massive demographic of Catholics during this time of the year, fast food restaurants must accommodate their celebration of Jesus being stuck in a desert by serving fish. McDonald’s has their Fillet O’ Fish, BK has something similar, and Taco Bell has their new Shrimp Taco. Wendy’s? They’re offering the new Premium Fish Fillet.

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[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Beefy 5 Layer Burrito

For most of my life I’ve had a pretty casual opinion of Taco Bell. I always found it to be a moderately enjoyable fast food eating experience, but not one that would regularly make it to the top of my dining out list. That’s changed over the last year or so though, as their expansive collection of cheap menu items have been keeping my poor, emaciated ass alive.

So as a newly appointed fan  I was somewhat eager to try out the latest addition to their $.89 value menu, the Beefy 5 Layer Burrito, and I must say it was more than tasty enough to reach my moderately high expectations. Continue reading

[Food Savings] Free Fresco Taco from Taco Bell

Taco Bell has really been pushing their Fresco Menu lately, which is great. Clocking in at only 9 grams of fat and loaded with delicious salsa fresca, the items on the Fresco Menu are healthier, and even tastier according to some, substitutes to their standard menu counterparts.

Head on over to this page to get a coupon for a free Fresco Taco from Taco Bell.

[Food Review] Hardee’s Monster Biscuit

hardees-monster-biscuitThe food world is full of choices. White or wheat, rare or well-done, medium or large, regular fries or curly, single or double, hash browns or home fries, etc. The list goes on for what seems like forever and, quite frankly, it is overwhelming! But of all of the panic and pressure caused by any choice I’ve ever had to make at a restaurant, nothing has been as difficult to overcome as “ham, sausage, or bacon?”

Hardee’s understands me. They know me. They get who I am. They understand that making such a decision borders on impossible for some people, and they have a solution. The Monster Biscuit: ham, sausage, egg, and bacon all shoved into a single breakfast sandwich. Hallelujah. Continue reading

[Food Review] Five Guys Burgers and Fries

It can be hard to find a good burger. I don’t mean a tasty burger. I don’t mean a cheap burger. I mean a delicious, juicy, fully satisfying burger topped with plenty of crisp veggies and stuffed between a flavorful bun. Burgers like that are hard to come by. Unless, of course, you live anywhere near a Five Guys restaurant.

I had originally heard about Five Guys from a post on Grub Grade and my mind was clouded with nothing but thoughts of the delicious-looking burgers ever since. I had finally gotten my chance to satisfy my insane hunger for Five Guys during a trip to Cincinnati to see Marcy Playground. In all honesty, words can hardly describe how delicious the meal was, so I’ve included a few pictures to help me out a little. Continue reading