[Energy Drink Review] Xyience Xenergy: Lemon Blast

Here’s a portion of a review on Caffeine Critic:

I’m sure that a lot of you who don’t know me assume that I’m an exceptionally fat, lazy sonofabitch that sits on his ass all day and does very little with the chemical energy I put into my body, instead letting it sit and be absorbed into my growing collection of pounds and thigh dimples. If you ask anyone who’s met me, they’ll tell you that, for the most part, you are right.

But that’s not true. I put my energy drinks towards great use to accomplish many amazing feats. No, not contracting diabetes. Jerks. I like to ride my bike a lot. I enjoy adventuring outdoors. I go to the gym every once and a while for strength training. But more important than any of those, I’m currently playing through Metroid Prime: Trilogy. The whole thing. All three games. From start to finish. I need the energy more than any physically active person out there.

So I figured since Xenergy is the official energy drink of the UFC, it would probably be up to the task of helping me collect all twelve artifacts in the first Metroid Prime.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Energy Drink Review] AriZona Green Tea Energy Drink

Here’s a portion of a review for AriZona Green Tea Energy Drink:

After popping the tab and leaning in for a whiff, I was taken completely aback by the disgusting aroma I had discovered. Tuna!? It smelled like fucking tuna! I don’t think I’ve ever ran into an aroma less appealing than this; the disgusting fishy smell of a nearly dead prostitute’s swollen, disease-ridden mound pulsing out a creamy puss-like substance from her bloodied and thoroughly gnarled snatch. I can almost imagine the greasy, wiry hairs now. Ugh. This smells awful. I even poured it out into a cup, thinking that maybe there was just some canned fish juice that had spilled out onto it. Nope, it smells like tuna. Absolutely disgusting.

Be sure to read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com

Apple Slam Headshot: Mega Energy Shot Reviewed on Caffeine Critic!

I’ve had this shot for a few months now, sitting on top of my mini fridge and gathering dust. I came across it earlier today while I was doing a bit of Spring Cleaning, and it fell out from under a pile of old porno magazines and Taco Bell wrappers. I was up late last night and was feeling a bit drowsy, so I wiped off the hand lotion and Fire Sauce that the tomb of trash it had been encased within for God knows how long and figured it couldn’t do any harm. I really needed the boost.

I really hope this thing doesn’t have an expiration date.

To read the full review, head on over to Caffeine Critic!

[Energy Drink Review] Rockstar Energy Cola

So, on a pit stop to my local gas station I got the bright idea to splurge on some energy drinks. I looked at the cold case of Monster, Red Bull, NOS — all the usuals. But I was struck by two new cans in the mix. The folks at Rockstar Energy have launched two new energy drinks in Cola and Lemonade form. Having never had Red Bull’s soda, I thought to give this and its yellow friend a try (plus they had a coupon for fifty cents off so what the hey!). I grabbed my new drinks and drove home to eat, drink, and play Bad Company 2. Continue reading

[Energy Drink Review] Vuka: Renew (Mango Peach)

I hate my job. I work as a bagger/cashier at my local Kroger grocery store. I’ve been there for three long years. I make $7.55/hr. Some of my responsibilities include bagging groceries, scanning groceries, mopping floors, sweeping the sidewalk, emptying ash trays, and cleaning human fecal matter out of a sink. I shit you not (get it?), that has happened to me before.

Needless to say, when I get home from work I am tired. Wiped out. Completely drained. I am 20-years-old and I often take naps in the middle of the day or early in the evening for God’s sake. This shouldn’t be happening! Luckily for me, the folks at Vuka have a drink just for people in my situation. Vuka Renew claims to be able to restore focus and vitality after you’ve seemingly run out of gas.

Here goes nothing, I sure hope it works. Continue reading

[Energy Drink Review] Vuka: Awaken (Orange)

It is hard to find a properly balanced morning energy drink. Something that will get you going but won’t leave you in need of another boost four hours later. Drinks like Awake: Good Morning Energy immediately come to mind, but such beverages are few and far between.

Luckily for you early morning caffeine addicts, the good folks at Vuka: Intelligent Energy have got your backs. Their line of functional energy drinks feature formulas to help the everyman get through every part of his day, and the hazy morning commute to the job you hate so much is no different. Vuka: Awaken is meant to be a healthy, tasty wake up for people who crave a refreshing energy drink to start their day without worrying about crashing before lunch time.

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[Energy Drink Review] Sport Energy: Mango Cream

sportmangocreamenergydrinkI was digging through my fridge in an attempt to find something to help wake me up and quench my thirst when I stumbled upon the Mango Cream flavor of Sport Energy. I didn’t even know I had this, but based on the Fruit Punch flavor I reviewed last week I figured it was my safest bet for a decent energy drink.

I opened the can and lifted the vent up to my nose to get a feel for what I was about to drink. I was met with a soft scent which consisted primarily of a soft cream aroma on accompanying a sweet, fruity mango twist. The aroma was obviously artificial, but didn’t have any disgusting chemical burn. It was also surprisingly subtle, and I even had to sniff it a few times to get a proper impression. Continue reading

[Energy Review] Encaff Energy Stix (Black Cherry Flavor)

encaffenergystixEveryview has seen a pretty wide variety of Energy products. Energy drinks, energy shots, energy powders, energy patches, energy chocolate, energy mints, and now Energy Stix. The self-proclaimed Next Generation of Energy bares a lot in common with an Energy Powder drink mix, but it completely eliminates the need for mixing with any substance, and is instead consumed simply by pouring it directly onto your tongue. Think of it as a caffeinated, energizing Pixie Stick.

Sounds pretty neat, huh? Let’s see how this concept performs in execution.

When ripping the top off of my first packet, my nose was met with a sweet, though heavily artificial fruity sensation. Very reminiscent of Kool-Aid, the aroma quickly got my mouth to water. Still, scents can be very deceiving so I decided to proceed with caution. Continue reading

[Energy Review] Crave Energy Drink Mix


I have had only two experiences with energy powders prior to Crave, both of which were very bad. The first time I encountered an energy mix was not my choice, as former contributor Tate Molnar decided to ruin all of our drinking water by adding some disgusting mix to it while we were camping. The second time I decided to snort it, which is just plain stupid.

But because of these two experiences, I have refused to go anywhere near any kind of energy mix for quite some time. Finally over my ludicrous fear of powdered energy, I’ve decided to give these little packets another shot, this time in the form of Crave Energy Drink.

It’s review time.

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[Energy Drink Review] All City NRG

All CityStraight from the Can:

Going ‘All City” means going all out. All City is a term used to describe New York street artists who have made their mark in all five boroughs. Originating in Brooklyn, AriZona pays tribut to the passion & creativity of these artists with a bold, new, energy-infused beverage for the ‘City that never sleeps.’ Keep moving. All day. All night. All City.

This authentic Limited Edition can has been designed by acclaimed artists, Vincent “Fact One” Ficarra of Mpire, as part of a “Subway Series.” Collect them all.

Is All City the real deal, or is it just a toy? It’s review time!

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