The reason for this is very unclear to me, because I’ve always felt that both the original Kid Icarus for NES sucked pretty hard. Frustrating controls and garbage gameplay mechanics really irritated me every single time I tried to play it. Maybe it was just the fact that I sucked really bad at it, but for whatever reason I just hated the original. So why would anyone want the franchise to make a return?

Luckily, when it was finally confirmed and shown off for the first time, the painfully boring vertical tower climbing gameplay mechanics of the past looked to be completely thrown away in favor of radical aerial combat and action-heavy ground battle segments. For the first time in my life, I was excited for Kid Icarus. And now that the finished game is finally available for the Nintendo 3DS, I am happy to say that it doesn’t disappoint.

Review:

Players familiar with Super Smash Bros. Brawl will immediately feel right at home when navigating Icarus’ menus, as the look and layout was lifted right from the famous mascot mashup. Considering this game comes from the same mastermind behind the critically acclaimed fighting franchise, it should come as no surprise. Other familiar features include the ability to collect figurines, tons of unlockable goodies, and, of course, a hectic multiplayer offering.

Unlike Super Smash Bros., Uprising’s single-player offering is the real meat and potatoes of the overall experience. With several chapter to blast through, each containing a gripping aerial combat section, followed by an on-foot exploration of small, linear battlegrounds, and finished up with a fight against an oftentimes stunningly large boss. The on-rails flight sections of Icarus are easily the best part of the entire game, as the grounded portions feature frustrating controls, regularly awkward combat, and irritating pacing issues. That’s not to say that aren’t enjoyable, however. As solid as they are, they have far more issues than do Pit’s airborne escapades.

Most of the issues with control stem from the fact that I am left-handed, and there is simply no control option to properly suit left-handed players. The best available option is to use the face buttons (A, B, X, Y) for character movement and aim with the touch screen. As hand-crampingly uncomfortable as this layout is for right-handed players, it’s even worse for south paws like myself, because we don’t even get the option of analog movement.

The game’s multiplayer offering is an insanely hectic one, making available either 3-on-3 matches where two teams face off against each other or an even more psychotic free-for-all mode. And as fun as both options are, neither one is very deep or very rewarding.This is largely because it is nearly impossible to ever tell what the hell is happening at any one point in time. Everything moves so fast that it’s a real challenge to form any kind of strategy, making the entire thing a fairly shallow endeavor without much in terms of longevity.

The biggest pro of of Uprising is its insane amount of entertainment value. With tons of weapons to collect and buy, a lengthy single player where each stage can be played multiple times without feeling arduous thanks to various difficulty levels, an entertaining multiplayer distraction, StreetPass functionality, and much more, Kid Icarus: Uprising is a hell of a deal.

Final Words:

Kid Icarus is a radical revival of a franchise that many of today’s players never even knew existed. The rapid action challenges your speed, decision-making, and reaction skills constantly, providing plenty of beat-down before you’re ever good enough to play on max difficulty. The gorgeous graphics and often-times cheesy dialogue offer up a nice, polished feel to the overall package and plenty of subtle (and not-so-subtle) references and throwbacks that will put a smirk on any retro gamer’s face. Partner all of this with the potential for hours and hours of entertainment value, and Kid Icarus: Uprising presents itself as a must-own for 3DS gamers despite all of its flaws.

Pros:

• Lengthy, arcade-style single player
• Beautiful audio and visual presentation
• Insane amount of entertainment value

Cons:

• Developer refused to make a decent control option that didn’t force touchscreen use… which really sucks for left-handed players such as myself
• While extremely fun, multiplayer mode is a bit too shallow to remain entertaining for long

Score: 8.5/10 (Great)

Spikes Tend to Kill You 2

The bulk of the gameplay is…well what I described in the previous paragraph.  It hearkens back to other skill jumping games like of maddening insanity like I Wanna Be the Guy or the nightmarish disappearing blocks from Mega Man.  The major difference though, is that with I Wanna Be the Guy it had bits of old Nintendo games and nostalgic graphics.  It was pretty much a self-aware parody of the platformer genre.  With the Mega Man series, the invisible blocks were only part of Dr. Wily’s nefarious plan.  You still get to fight robots and earn different weapons.

STtKY2 is an exercise in masochism.  It’s frustrating to get halfway across a screen only to die and have to restart.  Then the following try you die making a mistake you thought you had mastered the previous 20 attempts.  At about the 10th screen I had to walk away.  I came back later and made it to the 18th screen.  All the while the “cute” computer font that is written on the sides of the level are mocking you.  For instance there is the “I could have made this harder” quote reminding you that when you get frustrated it could have been much worse.  You can even hear some bratty 10-year-old harassing you with the name of the game every time you die.  ”Spikes tend to kill you, duh!”  The programmer must be sitting in his evil lair relishing the thought of the little bit of darkness he has unleashed upon the world.

There is also a timer going in the top left-hand corner of the screen.  The idea is that you beat the game as fast as you can.  It’s laughable.  I’m stuck wondering if I can even beat this game, and even if I can there’s no way I’m going back to better my time.

Which just leads me to wonder what is the point?  I mean, even if I can somehow, against all odds, maneuver the spiky maze of terror, what do I have to show for it? It’s not like this is a game where I’m enjoying every moment.  There’s no great Final Fantasy story.  There’s no madcap Mario mayhem.  I’m not upgrading my Skyrim character to insane levels.  I’m not racing a car or taking my football team to the championship.  I doubt there’ll be a cut scene at the end.  I won’t get the Still Alive song.

The only real reason to punish yourself playing a game like this is just to see if you can do it.  To see if you can beat some really difficult game that some other dude programmed to be really difficult.  However, it’s not like I’m going to go around bragging to all my friends about how I completed STtKY2.  ”Oh, you don’t know what STtKY2 is?  It’s only the greatest test of video game platforming skills EVER!

The only saving grace is that your game saves and you can come back later to get your butt handed to you.  Each time, maybe just maybe you’ll get to a little bit further.  As frustrating as it is, you may be tempted to go make sure that there wasn’t some trick to get past that last level where you were stuck.

Final Words:

Why do they make games like this?  Probably because we play them.  Why do we play them?

Pros

• The graphics are kinda NESish.
• The music Is NESish, but could easily get annoying.
• It controls better than NES games.
• The box has steam rising from it… That is by far my favorite part.

Cons

• It’s a really difficult timing and jumping game.  I guess if you really like that then put this in the “pros” section.

Score: 3.0/10 (Awful)

Play Spikes Tend to Kill You 2

As for the taste, it’s basically what you’d expect it to be, which is to say the more you enjoy Oreo’s, the more likely you are to enjoy this product. Aside from the creme being runnier and less compacted that what you get with the cookies, the taste is virtually the same.

One problem I did have was that I didn’t find the product to be very texturally sound. Having gone through two of the six packages, I had one of the cookies break off on two separate occasions. I don’t know if this complaint really holds much ground as obviously it’s better for them to be too soft than too hard, but when it’s broken into sections, it makes the creme more difficult to proportionately spread and I am certainly anal retentive enough to find this bothersome.

Read the full review on DoesItHitTheSpot.com!

I find I’m generally only an interesting reviewer when I’m either writing about things I hate or things I love which simultaneously provide me with a platform to tell the people in my life to fuck themselves. The film Martha Marcy May Marlene, which was recently released on DVD, falls into neither of those categories.

It does, however, prove to be a well acted, well made psychological thriller that has maintained a steady presence in my mind in the days following my viewing. And while I can hardly guarantee this editorial will be worth your time, this movie most certainly is.

Plot outline:

After escaping from a cult, Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) makes a panicked phone call to her estranged sister (Sarah Paulson) who allows her to stay with her and her husband (Hugh Dancy). Things inevitably become strained when the mentally damaged Martha, who struggles to differentiate between her past and present life, is unable to shake the anguish she sustained while under the spell of the cult, whose members may or may not be after her.

Review:

Much of the strength of the film is its exemplary acting. For starters, the producers wisely cast the amazing John Hawkes as the cult leader. Arguably the best supporting actor in the business today, Hawkes is excellent as ever as the complex, megalomaniacal Patrick, who works the main character under his spell.

While the entire cast is good, the real standout is Olsen, the less famous but infinitely more talented younger sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley (look, I love Full House as much as anyone, but I think we can all agree it was a Stamos/Saget/Coulier driven vehicle).

Olsen, in her first major film role, is nothing short of amazing playing a character of almost impossible complexity. With constantly alternating moods, ranging from naive, to paranoid, to promiscuous and beyond, Olsen is as good as good gets.

Due to the fact that the Oscars are a dull and stupid ceremony you couldn’t pay me to watch, I’m not one to get worked up over nomination snubs. But if I was, the fact that Olsen didn’t receive one for Best Actress last year would have infuriated me to no end.

The filmmaking is also first rate. First-time writer/director T. Sean Durkin successfully alternates the story between the present and the past in a sometimes confusing, but incredibly effective fashion that successfully engulfs the viewer into Martha’s world of overwhelmed self-destruction.

And while some people will be frustrated by the ending, which doesn’t really offer much in the way of resolution, I love that Durkin had the courage to let his film wrap in a naturalistic fashion. More than anything, the point I took away from this movie was that its protagonist had made a series of destructive decisions in her past that ultimately gave her no hope for a peaceful future, and providing her with a happy little pre-packaged ending would have undercut the entire purpose.

Final Words:

Its abysmal title aside, Martha Marcy May Marlene is easily one of the best movies I’ve seen in a recent years. While it can be difficult to watch at times, this is a smart and thought-provoking film which is both entertaining and worthy of serious discussion, assuming you actually know someone who’s seen it.

More exciting than the movie itself may be the fact that it is the work of a first-time filmmaker and lead actress. If this is what Durkin and Olsen are capable of producing on their first try, it’s hard not to be excited about the careers that lie in front of them.

Final score: 9.0/10 (Outstanding)

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

Taco Bell has done it many times before. If the powers that be can’t think of an entirely new product that uses the same handful of readily available ingredients and give a ridiculous made up name, like Tortada, then they’ll settle for the next best thing: take an old favorite, and make it bigger.

But how do they do it? How do they take something small, and make it big? Well, for any fan of great American Cinema, the answer is quite simple. In the critically acclaimed 1997 classic film Good Burger, the demented manager of Mondo Burger uses an illegal chemical known as Triampathol to super size his meat patties. Now, the director chose never to reveal exactly why Triampathol was made illegal, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

The point is, Taco Bell is obviously doing something to our food to make it bigger. All we need now is a few local psued0-Mex restaurant employees dedicated enough to breach the chain’s security and discover their secret and embark on a ridiculously epic quest to put their hole-in-the-wall back on top.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

Final Words

They’re such capable creatures that they put the “can” in Lontra canadensis.

Pros 

• They are masters of both land and water.
• They eat crayfish so I don’t have to.
• They can be trained by humans to catch and retrieve fish.

Cons

• Sadly, they are part of the weasel family and must overcome all of the bad connotations associated.
• The ability of flight eludes them, thus preventing these otherwise flawless creatures from soaring through the skies and wrapping their adorable paws around a perfect score. Which they would probably use as a tool to open shells.

Score:  9.5/10

img via

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, a low fat cheeseburger you cook in the microwave? Even though I will no doubt break both my legs on the never ending puddle of saliva which will flow from my mouth at the mere thought of these, I will crawl on my belly through any terrain long before I even contemplate the idea of seeking medical attention!”

And I must admit this uber-sarcastic school of thought had me cursing myself the second I stepped out of the grocery store with a box of these in hand. But while I was initially excited about writing another one of my angry, cynical rants about bad food, to my surprise, this new entry from Smart Ones really isn’t deserving of my scorn.

Read the full review on DIHTS.com!

My Week with Marilyn

The film, from its opening scene all the way throughout, belongs to the wickedly charming Monroe, expertly played by Michelle Williams. Williams embodies the role of the pop culture sex symbol with a delicate grace, one that whispers instead of shouts. Williams charms not only the characters in the film, but the audience as well, and the performance is given an additional layer of heft considering Monroe’s real life swan song only years later.

The film follows Clark (Eddie Redmayne), the 23-year old Oxford grad who is willing to do anything to break into the film business. As luck would have it, a door is opened on the set of the Olivier/Monroe film, and Colin immediately proves his dedication and worth to the project by winning over the infamously serious Olivier (Kenneth Branagh) before succumbing to the subtle charms of Monroe once she lands in jolly old England. Branagh’s performance is also outstanding, especially as the script calls for him to be playing a role within a role when onset of the 1956 film.

The movie allows the viewer to be a fly on the wall throughout the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl, showing the troubling tightrope the newly married and already megastar Monroe is forced to walk on a daily basis between being herself and being the person everyone expects her to be.

What the movie lacks in intensity it replaces with charm, and it’s a breezy, enjoyable film that never wears out its welcome. It’s worth seeing for the performance of Williams alone, which has already garnered the young actress with a Golden Globe for Best Female Performance in a Musical or Comedy. She does a breathtaking job of embodying the infamous starlet, and the film around here keeps its head above water just enough to make it a film, that while itself not as outstanding as the performance contained within it, is worthy of an afternoon at the theater.

Grade: 7.75/10 (Good)

Revive mints look standard enough. About the size of a dime and the color of a Mucinex Tablet. The mint has a very smooth texture, based off appearance, and it has an appetizingly fresh, minty aroma. Everything seems to point to what is sure to be a very enjoyable experience.

However, a lot of that changes when you actually put the mint in your mouth. With a good mint, you can leave it in your mouth for a while, simply sucking on it and keeping your breath kissably fresh, though I do admit that it takes a lot more than a mint for me to be able to kiss a girl. Usually a brick to the back of their skull. I digress… Revive mints immediately begin to lose their super smooth texture as soon as they hit your saliva, slowly turning into a crumbly mess. It becomes gritty and texturally gross, and is a lot like sucking on sand.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!