[Energy Drink Review] Monster: Absolutely Zero

Here’s a portion of a review on Caffeine Critic

People have been blowin’ up our inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster. We got it, but this ain’t soda pop, dude!

Making a zero calorie, zero sugar drink that’s good enough to earn the Monster M ain’t that easy.

Finally with a re-tooled energy blend, new sweetener system and hundres of failed flavors, we absolutely got it right!

Monster Absolutely Zero helps fight fatigue, improves mental performance and focus, motivates you to work (I mean play) harder, so generally you feel pretty damn good.

Zero calories, zero sugar, killer buzz… Absolutely Guaranteed!

Be sure to read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Energy Drink Review] Shock: Triple Latte Energy Blend

Here’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

Is it possible to put into any less than a measly paragraph or two the importance of canned coffee and the impact it has had on our modern world? No, it isn’t.

Canned coffees have helped the advancement of education, provided extra funding to cancer research, helped prevent preteen pregnancies among American girls who have unspeakable daddy issues, brought entire opposing nations to their knees, and helped Brad Pitt and his gang of rag tag soldiers find and successfully kill Adolf Hitler during World War II. What’s that? You’ve never seen Inglorious Basterds? Shame on you, go watch it now.

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[Energy Drink Review] Liquid Nitro

Here’s a portion from a review of Liquid Nitro:

Drinking liquid nitrogen would be a stupid idea.

Drinking Liquid Nitro? Now that’s completely different. This little-known gem of an energy drink isn’t a deadly chemical that freezes things on contact, but instead an energy supplement chock full of all sorts of herbs. I’ve heard of it before, but never ran across it until I was in Big Lots the other day, performing my weekly search for great deals on wasabi peas, cans of sardines, and unique energy drinks.

Read the full review on Caffeine Critic.

[Energy Drink Review] Crunk!!! (Original)

crunk energy drinkHere’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

A while back I reviewed a product called Crunk Stix. I didn’t like them. I thought there was a decent amount of potential behind them, but energy powders are very similar to energy shots before they were perfected. The idea is awesome: super portable and convenient energy in a similar form factor to Pixi Stix. The problem? Awful aftertaste and bitterness plague what would otherwise be a revolutionary energy product.

Anyway, along with the Stix, Crunk sent me a case full of different flavors of their drink. I’ve been slowly working my way through it, tasting each flavor. I’m about to go through my last can of the original flavor, making this the perfect time to review it. I’ve experienced it several times, so I’ve got a pretty solid grasp of how it performs.

Readers, I ask you this simply because I am an incompetent moron who can’t think of original jokes: Is it time to get “Crunk?”

Be sure to read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Drink Review] Sunkist Solar Fusion

Here’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

Energy sodas aren’t exactly the fastest growing phenomenon in the drink industry, but that doesn’t keep the big beverage companies, who deem them as more accessible than regular energy drinks, from trying them out. Coke has Vault, Pepsi has Pepsi Max, and now Dr. Pepper/Seven-Up offer the latest take on the energy soda in the form of Sunkist Solar Fusion.

Solar Fusion is a Tropical Mandarin flavored soda with added caffeine and B vitamins. Sunkist is most well-known for their orange soda, which is absolutely delicious. However, not every Sunkist drink is worth drinking. Their Peach, Grape and Diet Lemonade flavors are all pretty awful, but they’ve also got Cherry Limeade, Pineapple and Strawberry which are pretty solid drink. How does Solar Fusion stack up to the rest of the Sunkist family?

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[Energy Drink Review] AriZona Green Tea Energy Drink

Here’s a portion of a review for AriZona Green Tea Energy Drink:

After popping the tab and leaning in for a whiff, I was taken completely aback by the disgusting aroma I had discovered. Tuna!? It smelled like fucking tuna! I don’t think I’ve ever ran into an aroma less appealing than this; the disgusting fishy smell of a nearly dead prostitute’s swollen, disease-ridden mound pulsing out a creamy puss-like substance from her bloodied and thoroughly gnarled snatch. I can almost imagine the greasy, wiry hairs now. Ugh. This smells awful. I even poured it out into a cup, thinking that maybe there was just some canned fish juice that had spilled out onto it. Nope, it smells like tuna. Absolutely disgusting.

Be sure to read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com

[Energy Drink Review] THiNQ Sparkling Citricity

Here’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

About two months ago I posted my review for the Mixed Berry flavor of THiNQ, and now I’m finally back with a long overdue critique for Sparkling Citricity. Though in my defense I have been slowly polishing off the entire case sent to me by the kind folks at THiNQ HQ, taking mental notes on if the drink has been having any lasting effects over a long period of time. If you’ll recall in my Mixed Berry review, I said that regular intake provided sustained energy, but that was only over the course of a little more than a week. I wanted to know if it kept improving my energy level beyond that.

Be sure to read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com

[Energy Drink Review] Guru Iced Tea Energy Drink

Here’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

I enjoy tea, and I enjoy the idea of organic products. It’s weird, because I usually don’t enjoy energy teas (Save for the Slap Energy Drink products and a few others) and I generally don’t like organic energy drinks (except Syzmo’s Prickly Pear flavor and maybe some others). So why am I taking a chance on Guru’s Green Tea Honey-Lemon Iced Tea? Because I want to make sure you don’t have to.

It’s one of the biggest cons of running a review site such as this, and I’ve had to put up with several awful drinks. I mean awful drinks. Like, incomparable to anything else awful. But on the bright side, I’ve also discovered several drinks that I wouldn’t have otherwise known existed. Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those times. Guru’s Iced Tea ranks as one of the worst drinks I’ve ever encountered.

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[Energy Drink Review] Java Monster Lo-Ball

A portion of a Caffeine Critic review.

Drinking Lo-Ball was a bit of a roller coaster experience. I went into it expecting very little, my expecations were risen by the delicious aroma and then beaten down by the gross taste. In the end I just sort of quit caring, as I’m sure you can tell by the brevity of this review. The bottom line is this: Lo-Ball is a below average energy coffee, but if you’re a calorie counting maniac who needs energy coffee, this might be your only choice.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Relaxation Drink Review] Vacation in a Bottle: Pomegranate Berry

Here’s a portion of a Caffeine Critic review:

Vacation in a Bottle, or ViB for short, is the exact opposite of what I usually review on this site. Much like the recently critiqued Drank, ViB is an anti-energy drink — a beverage that induces lax and calm feelings as opposed to bursts of excess energy. While it is true, as you all surely know, that I love caffeine and the awesome stimulating effects, I also purely adore relaxation beverages. They are an awesome invention with an outstanding effect when they work properly.

Be sure to read the full review on Caffeine Critic.